[Backstory. I wrote this poem about a dark time in my life, when I suffered through postpartum depression. This is very personal to share, and a word of warning that it can be triggering and intense, but the ending of the poem offers Hope. I have felt the need to share this in hopes that it might help someone know that healing will come. Do not give up!]
I still hear the crows.
I still hear the buzzards.
I still see them.
They circle the skies above me,
Still,
From time to time.
And they remind.
They taunt . . . “Remember? Remember?
Remember your pain. Remember your fear.
I will always be here to remind you,”
Their screeching, ugly voices tell me.
I often wonder how they found me.
I’d seen them using their evil powers
In those I loved
From the time I was a little girl.
I always deeply feared them.
That one day they would search me out
And find me.
That their midnight black darkness
Would encircle me and choke out the world.
That those birds would steal my joy,
My happiness,
And replace it with tears.
I never knew Fear until they found where I was hiding.
I’d seen it and felt it before
But I never truly knew Fear until the birds came.
I brought Life into this world.
She was Beauty.
Heaven came down and Love
Came flowing from my eyes,
When I saw her for the first time
And she breathed her first breath;
When her first cries were heard
by her Mother and Father.
Yes, Heaven came down in those moments.
My eyes beheld Beauty
And my arms held her.
And then, in a moment,
Suddenly,
I thought I was losing my Beauty,
The life I’d just brought into this world.
Something went wrong with my child,
And for tortuously long moments
That will forever be immeasurable,
She was taken away from me.
And I was left alone.
Alone.
Alone I cried,
Alone I wondered if I’d see
The Beauty again.
I wondered if I had seen her for the last time.
I wondered if I would hear her beautiful cry,
If I’d ever hold her again.
My beloved husband
Returned to me,
As I lay there waiting.
There was hope in my heart again
When he whispered, “She is okay.”
That our little Beauty we’d created
Had held onto his finger tightly.
We then knew,
Our Beauty was a Fighter.
When I saw her again
She was under a glass container;
The artificial oxygen filling the air
To help her breathe.
But I saw a little baby,
My baby,
Struggling, crying, fighting.
Fighting for her life.
Frantically and Fearfully
I watched the numbers
And felt helpless,
As they were not where they were supposed to be.
I was scared.
Scared I was still going to lose her.
“Don’t grow attached,
Don’t grow attached,”
Something told me.
When she was finally returned to us,
Relief filled our hearts.
But something held me back —
I couldn’t believe that she was back in my arms.
Hyper vigilance set in.
Anxiety took over my entire being.
I was so thankful,
But I was stunned.
I was traumatized by thinking
That my Beauty was dying in my arms,
In those seconds when something went wrong with her.
I was traumatized —
Believing she was still going to be taken away from me.
“Hold on . . .
But don’t on too close.
Love her . . .
But don’t love her too much.”
Were words that echoed in my mind.
Nightmares haunted me of losing her.
A month after the Beauty debuted her appearance,
All was well with her.
But not so with her Mother.
For that was when they came.
The crows.
The buzzards.
The birds.
The darkness.
The thing I’d always feared . . .
Finally found me.
I watched the leaves fall from the trees,
And I watched my world turn grey.
In an instant the darkness
Surrounded me.
I watched the sky cry tears
And the sun hid its face from me,
In my darkest and loneliest hours.
I wanted to die.
The buzzards hovered overhead
And flew in circles above me.
Waiting for me.
“We want you,”
Their beady eyes looked down and I knew their deadly thoughts.
A dead tree overshadowed
And towered above our home —
And the tree became the crows and buzzards’ battle position
Sent forth from the enemy.
They wanted me to die.
They were a constant reminder
of Death.
I battled the thoughts —
The war that waged within
Of wanting to take my own life
And yet . . .
Fighting,
Fighting desperately for my life.
This battle lasted for months.
Months that should have been beautiful.
That should have been blissful.
That should have been Heaven,
Not Hell.
That should have been what they were not.
I was robbed.
We were all robbed.
The thief had come in the night
Stealing my joy,
And, thus, stealing all of our joy.
I suffered,
And those who loved me suffered immensely.
I remember the day.
The day I stood outside
Staring up at that dead tree,
Feeling defeated and completely hopeless.
I remember seeing the parting of the clouds
And seeing and feeling the ray of the sun
Finally break through the clouds
And show its face to me again.
I heard the crows and saw them.
They were so loud.
But then,
I saw the jay clothed in blue.
I saw the sparrow,
The robin,
And I saw the red cardinal.
I saw them flying from bush to bush,
From tree to tree,
Right in front of my very eyes,
And I heard their melodic singing.
And I faintly heard the song
Of a bird in the forest.
Just a tiny sound at first,
That slowly crescendoed into a loud chorus.
That would not be the last time
I’d hear that little bird in the forest.
That day, his song was too powerful
And I watched in wonder as the crows flew away
And I could no longer hear their lies.
It was a moment my heart had hungered for.
That tiny bird had flown from far, far away,
And had found me at last.
He found me one day sitting by the window
Feeling in despair again.
He sat on a red chair and looked in at me.
His eyes looked into mine
And he didn’t look away.
“Get better! Get better!” He told me.
I felt the very presence of God
And that He was sitting in the red rocking chair,
Whispering,
“I am here. You are not alone.”
That tiny bird had the loudest song
Of any bird I’d ever heard.
And the most beautiful.
He stayed around our house from that day on —
The days that I was still sick.
He was a Carolina Wren,
A bird known for being shy —
And yet, he stayed so close,
In the moments when I needed to hear
His song the most.
The mornings were my darkest, scariest hours,
When the panic would set in,
And when I’d usually been awakened by crows.
But now, that same wren had found his home.
He made a nest right outside my window,
And he sang for me.
I’d look out my window
And he’d be there looking at me,
Watching over me.
Time had taken its time,
But with it,
Came my healing.
The sickness, the darkness finally left me.
The crows, the buzzards, those preying birds
Finally flew away.
They had learned that I wouldn’t
Be taken by them.
I would not be their victim.
They saw that I was a Fighter.
That I had a Beauty and a Beloved
To live for.
To this day,
I still hear the crows.
I still hear the buzzards.
I still see them.
They circle the skies above me,
Still,
From time to time.
But, I still see my wren,
I hear my wren,
Still,
From time to time.
And he says, “Remember? Remember?
Remember your healing. Remember Hope.
I will always be here to remind you.”
He is a constant reminder
of Life.
